just an ordinary goddess…

That’s what I’m feeling like these days. I seem to be going through one of my little depressions again. Nothing terribly bad, but for months I’ve done little besides work, hang out with CuteFilmNerd and, on increasingly rare occasions, meet with friends. I haven’t been passionate about working in politics, although I still keep up on what’s going on and I still get angry about the injustices of the world and of this country. I’m finding myself disconnected from groups I used to be tight with. The closest I’ve come lately is the online connection I have with the good folks of the UCF, which is fine and fun and all, and I’m very grateful for their presence in my life, but I’ve been pulling away from everything and everyone else in my life. The only people I really see are my co-workers, my roommate and, of course, CuteFilmNerd.

This isn’t good for me. I know it isn’t. When I withdraw like this my mind goes into a cycle that makes the depression worse and there are days where it takes all of my willpower to keep me from folding in on myself. I reach out to CuteFilmNerd, who helps when he can, but I find myself grasping onto him too tight, which isn’t good for him either, or for us, especially when he’s got issues of his own that he’s dealing with and that I’m trying to help with when I can. We’re going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment, which makes me grasp at him even harder and makes my jealousy rear its ugly green head. Again – not good for either of us or the relationship. So I’m trying to back off a little bit, to calm myself a bit, but my G-d, it’s hard to not hold on as tight as I can.

I feel like I’m always on the edge of tears. It really doesn’t take much for them to brim up. I used to be so stoic – the calm, cool and collected one. Those days have been gone for a long time and most of the time I welcome my emotions, but times like this I wish I had some of that reserve again. I miss it and I don’t know how to get it back. There are times I don’t even recognize myself any longer.

What is worst of all – I feel like I’ve lost my creativity. I carry a notebook with me where-ever I go, but I never pull it out of my messenger bag. I read books and magazines and newspapers, listen to music and podcasts, watch a veritable plethora of films, but I just don’t feel like creating new things. The closest I get to being creative is taking photos. At least that’s something, right? But I just feel stifled in so many other regards. I don’t even feel like writing here most of the time, which is why I post photos and have my Twitter feed set to automatically generate a post from that week’s tweets. At least then there’s something on this piece of real estate other than rusting hulks of posts.

I hate to say it, but I think getting a new apartment would be helpful for me. My roommate is a good guy, but we have very different ideas about cleanliness and neatness. Due to the sheer volume of stuff in the apartment, I feel like I live in a cave. Most of it isn’t my stuff. I haven’t felt like I had a home since I moved from my old neighborhood. I can’t stand the neighborhood I live in. Living in my current apartment has taught me that my living space and my neighborhood has got to feel completely comfortable and inviting for me to be energized for anything in life, including my relationship and my creativity. Since it looks likely that I’ll have a car before too much time has passed, that will be incredibly helpful in finding a place in a neighborhood that feels like home. I have ideas of where I’d like to live and it looks like I’ll be able to afford an apartment in the neighborhoods I’m interested in, so I’ll keeping my eyes open there.

Things have to change. I have to change. I can’t stand the way I feel and I need to find the energy to make the changes in my life to make me feel better. Because I just can’t feel adrift any longer.

…has been silenced.

Last night, Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy died at the age of 77, after a year long battle with brain cancer.

I found out when CuteFilmNerd called me last night just as I was starting to drift into sleep. I fired up Twitter on my cell phone to see what others had tweeted and found only one news report, then realized it was much later Points East of Los Angeles. This morning I listened to President Obama’s words on Kennedy as I readied myself for work.

There will be much written about him today. No matter how much is written, it could never do justice to the Lion of the Senate. Some have said that, while he was never their senator, they felt that he was America’s Senator. This is a sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.

My heart goes out to his family and friends in their grieving. But I also find that I’m grieving for myself and for the United States. Being human, he wasn’t a perfect man, but he was one of the best and brightest of us and his loss will be felt keenly. Especially at a time when he is needed most. May someone of his strength, courage and convictions stand up to take his torch. Let the roar of the lion be heard again.

RIP, Walter Cronkite. They don’t make journalists like you any longer – more’s the pity.

Your integrity and humor will be sorely missed.

Like most people, I was very sad to hear about the cold-blooded murder of Dr. George Tiller on Sunday when he was at church. He performed the procedures many doctors were afraid to do – late-term abortions that were deemed medically necessary to save the life of the mothers or where doctors had confirmed that the fetus would not live outside the womb. Dr. Tiller had been shot before, had many death threats and was forced to wear a bullet-proof vest on a regular basis, but he refused to give into the fear that gripped so many of his colleagues because, as he reportedly told a woman recently, he feared that the women he helped would have no place else to turn.

Candlelight vigils are still being held all over the country, but as Gloria Feldt wrote in Salon, George Tiller needs more than candlelight vigils. As always, write and lobby your representatives. Donate in Dr. Tiller’s name to Planned Parenthood and to the women’s health clinics in your area. Make your voice heard.

(Fellow UCFer Janiece at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men and Mike at Man About Murfreesboro each have excellent posts regarding this tragedy and the cowardice of the anti-abortion faction. Go there.)

*************************
A little something about my own views on abortion: I am of the opinion that they should be safe, legal and rare. I’ve always known that it was something I could never personally go through, but I am of the firm belief that women should have that choice. The women I’ve known that have had abortions never considered it a decision made lightly and I respect their decisions.

Of the people I’ve known that are anti-abortion, only one could be considered pro-life in the true sense of the term: fellow UCFer Michelle is a pacifist who is against abortion and the death penalty. Unlike so many anti-abortion people who mistakenly call themselves “pro-life,” she actually believes that every child that is born should be provided for and not left to fend for himself/herself in dangerous home situations. She doesn’t self-identify as Christian, but she embodies the teachings of Jesus far more completely than any religious anti-abortion nut protesting outside women’s health clinics. I highly respect that.

As for my thoughts on late-term abortion, I sincerely hope that they would never be necessary, but I understand that in some cases they may be. It’s truly sad that women in need have lost one of their champions – one of the few doctors left that they could turn to.

My thoughts go out to Dr. Tiller’s family, to all the women that he helped and to all the women he could’ve helped.

*************************
Updated: 6/2/09 – 3:45pm

There is some discussion about who, besides the assassin who committed this foul deed, should be blamed for Dr. Tiller’s death. There is definitely an argument to to be made that Bill O’Reilly and his ilk have blood on their hands:

H/T to bstewart23 at This. That. No Other. for the Keith Olbermann clip.

From Sheril Kirshenbaum:

Today begins a very important initiative called Silence Is The Enemy to help a generation of young women half a world away.Why? Because they are our sisters and children–the victims of sexual abuse who don’t have the means to ask for help. We have power in our words and influence. Along with our audience, we’re able to speak for them. I’m asking all of you–bloggers, writers, teachers, and concerned citizens–to use whatever platform you have to call for an end to the rape and abuse of women and girls in Liberia and around the world.

In regions where fighting has formally ended, rape continues to be used as a weapon. As Nicholas Kristof recently wrote from West Africa, ‘it has been easier to get men to relinquish their guns than their sense of sexual entitlement.’ The war has shattered norms, training some men to think that ‘when they want sex, they need simply to overpower a girl.’ An International Rescue Committee survey suggests 12 percent of girls aged 17 and under acknowledged having been sexually abused in some way over the previous 18 months. Further, of the 275 new sexual violence cases treated Jan-April by Doctors Without Borders, 28 percent involve children aged 4 or younger, and 33 percent involve children aged 5 through 12. That’s 61% age 12 or under. We read about their plight and see the figures, but it’s so easy to feel helpless to act in isolation. But these are not statistics, they are girls. Together we can do more. Mass rape persists because of inertia so let’s create momentum.

If you’re on Facebook, please join the group Silence Is The Enemy. If you have a blog, please join the blogger coalition. Write your representative. Donate to Doctors Without Borders.

If we all band together to spread the word, silence can no longer be a refuge for cowardice.

(Oops, I got so up in arms I forgot to give credit where credit is due: tip o’ the hat to The Bad Astronomer.)

Not surprisingly – but very disappointingly – the California Supreme Court has voted to uphold Proposition 8 on the grounds that “the voters were within their rights to approve a constitutional amendment redefining marriage to include only male-female couples.”

However, the court has upheld the right for the 18,000+ same-sex marriages performed between June and November 2008 to stand. Which means that California currently has three classes of people: those heterosexual couples who can get married at the drop of any hat; same-sex couples that were married during the short window of time that same-sex marriages were legal in California (and who will most likely be facing a fight against bigots who will work to invalidate their marriages); same-sex couples who, as it currently stands, can never get married in their state of residence.

This is untenable. There are marches and rallies planned all across the United States tonight. If you want to show your support for marriage equality for all American citizens, please attend one of these marches in your city. You can also get a free sticker or purchase some “I Do” or “Love Unites merchandise.

Civil rights always win out in the end. Let’s work to make it happen sooner than later.

Many years ago, when I started exploring these here interwebs, I briefly participated in an online news group known as alt.society.generation-x. I enjoyed my time there, but drifted off elsewhere as I discovered other things.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the old place, though. My first boyfriend was a regular there, which is how I found the place and participated in the disguise of Francaise (prior to Google there were DejaNews and AltaVista and searching for Names From The Past was already a common past-time – that boyfriend and I are on friendly terms now). It’s where I discovered John Scalzi, whom I credit as being my inadvertent blog daddy. And there were many people who were amongst the sharpest people it had ever been my pleasure to read. It’s where I learned the importance of backing up your assertions with verifiable proof and that snarky humor could be an art form in and of itself.

Two of the participants of alt.society.generation-x were Peter Dubuque and Steve Kleinedler, a lovely couple whom I could never really say that I knew – due to my own shyness – but whose newsgroup postings were always amongst the best I’ve ever read. Like everything and everyone else about alt.society.generation-x, I remembered them fondly and was surprised when John Scalzi announced that Peter had passed away unexpectedly. I was in shock, as were many people who knew him, however tangentially.

Today in AMERICAblog, Peter’s husband Steve talks about how important it is that he and Peter had been married in Massachusetts for the last four-and-a-half years and how it’s made an difference in this difficult time.

Go over there – it’s important reading.

(H/T to John Scalzi.)

see more dog and puppy pictures

That it has been…

Somehow I managed to become part of a wonderful online community that, somewhat tongue in cheek, calls itself the UCF. We started out as readers and commenters on John Scalzi’s site and have deepened into a group of friends who laugh with each other, love each other and share deep connections in many cases. Yesterday, a dear member of this wonderful community suffered a terrible personal tragedy. Out of respect for her loss, the UCF member blogs will be offline today, 03/20/09. Our thoughts and prayers are with her. We will return tomorrow.

Please, don’t forget to tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Hug them. Show them how much you care. And don’t forget to enjoy life as much as possible.

I can’t make it better.

It drives me crazy, but there’s nothing I can do. No concrete way I can help. No way for me to make it all go away.

I hug when in the same room, murmuring positive words, stroking hair and soothing furrowed brow, expressing my love. When on the phone, I still murmur, trying to make my voice convey that, were we in the same room, I would be hugging and stroking and soothing and expressing. It sounds corny, but I turn my voice into a verbal hug, hoping that it can be felt.

I hear the exhaustion and the frustration. I listen, make suggestions when appropriate, offer advice that I hope will be helpful, but try not to be a know-it-all. Because I don’t know it all. I wish I did.

But the advice and hugs and soothing doesn’t make it better. Not really. Not in a concrete, never-have-to-deal-with-this-bullshit-again way that I so desperately wish, so that this pain and anger and frustration are all things of the past, gray and hazy and gone.

The things I would so dearly love to do, to talk directly to the other people involved, make them see how stupid and immature and hurtful they’re being – I can’t do. It’s not my place. And I know, for various reasons, I wouldn’t be listened to. Because I’m involved only on the fringes – not directly.

So I can’t help.

Damn it.