just an ordinary goddess…

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…often cause me to think like this:

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From I Has A Hot Dog, a daily online stop of mine.

Say, friend, are you tired of those pesky Jesusphiles knocking on your door, asking you if you’re ready for the end of the world? Are you just too damned polite (or half asleep) to slam the door in their faces, but you want them to leave with more than your usual mumbled, ‘Sorry, not interested.”? Do you wish they would just never darken your door again?

Well, friend, have I got just the thing for you! Head on over to Stonekettle Station! Jim will set you up with just the perfect thing to get rid of the nosy Jesus freak in your neighborhood!

Me: “End of the World? What are you selling, bomb shelter plans?”

Woman: “Ahh ha ha, bomb shelter pla… No what I’d like…

Me: “Cause I could use me some good underground bomb shelter plans.”

Woman: “No, I…”

Me: “Does your shelter plan have a place to store food and guns? Lots and lots of guns? Because when the Zombie Apocalypse comes you’re going to need lots of guns…big ones. Are you selling guns?”

Woman: “I, uh…zombies?”

That’s right! Stonekettle Station has just the brush-off you’re looking for!

(Easy payment plans for all. Free delivery for residents of Alaska.)

Just remember to make a left at Albuquerque for the best deals in verbally drop kicking your local door-to-door religious nuts – at Stonekettle Station!

…will burn in hell.

At least according to opponents of marriage equality.

Of course we all want to know where these bigoted opponents are going with their arguments before we enter into discussions with them. Thankfully Patrick Farley has created a helpful flow chart to give us a heads up on the genesis (and exodus) of the straightforward anti-marriage-equality “logic.” (Which doesn’t resemble Earth logic.)

(H/T to the newly West-Coasted bstewart.)

I think we need a little cheering up around this place. Who better than the inimitable Madeline Kahn and Grover?

*************************

Tomorrow I’ll be headed south to San Diego, where I will finally be meeting two of the fantabulous UCF Trollops, Janiece and Anne, along with Janiece’s friend (and frequent commenter to her blog) Mechanicky Girl. We’ll be doing girly stuff like drinking alcohol, swearing up a blue streak (hey, with two Navy vets and a Navy brat along for the ride, what d’ya expect?), eating excellent Mexican food and getting into bar brawls on the waterfront. With a little spa time thrown in for good measure.

I am very much looking forward to it. Yea!

…married gay people! And they’re doing all this!

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

If you want to help build the Giant Gay Repellent Umbrella, go to www.giantgayrepellentumbrella.com. Because the storm is getting worser and worser. And wind chill will definitely be a factor, so bundle up.

(Someday I will post real content. Probably.)

This may be a few years old, and already widely distributed (and popular), but any time’s a good time for a little Walken:

Watch more Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars videos on AOL Video

Today is Noodlefest in Missouri and there’s no way I can get there to attend it.

Anyone going there, worship His Noodly Appendage on my behalf, mm’k?

*sigh*

UPDATE: I still can’t go, but I have found the perfect iBook accessory, as soon as I get my iBook:

It can be found at GelaSkins, which has all sorts of cool Apple skins.

They must, for what else would they turn up at my poor nickel?

Backing up: the candy vending machine in my building seems to only like the brand new coins. You know, the fancy ones with all the changes that make the older coins look like the poor cousin with the Salvation Army clothes. I mean, my 1986 nickel is a good nickel. It’s worth as much as those flashy nickels with their offset Jeffersons and history lesson backs. But at the apparently ancient age of 21 (hey, it’s old enough to go to drink!), it’s just not hip enough to get an almond Snickers. I put that stalwart five cent piece in three times. The damned machine spit it back out at me three times. Put in a nickel less than a two years old? Gobbled it right up.

I think I figured it out. The vending machine is a pedophile.

That’s just wrong.

Methinks someone on JPL’s web team needs to do a little proofreading (click on picture to read the fine print):

Everyone knows cheese isn’t vegan!

How many JPL employees does it take to figure out how to use an IKEA can opener?

Five: one deputy program manager, one engineer, one administrator and two secretaries. For over twenty minutes. And it was one of the secretaries (not me) that found the hidden lever in the handle.

BTW, the can opener was brought by yours truly. Leave it to me to cause a ruckus in the work place.

Last night I dreamed I was at JPL, chasing after one of the scientists I knew to get information, and he was dressed up like a Klingon, with forehead ridges and everything. And he wasn’t the only costumed Klingon – several were around me. In my dream JPL, this, apparently, was not an unusual occurance.

I love the geeky side of me, but this? There has got to be an antidote for this much nerdiness…

cross-posted from Ordinary Goddess

Dear Santa… Dear Santa, This year I’ve been busy! In June I gave Gryffud a kidney (1000 points). Last month I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn’t glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). Last Tuesday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Friday I helped Kymm across the street (6 points). In February I gave Polarbeast some porn (-10 points). In August I helped Gralyn hide a body (-173 points) Overall, I’ve been nice (137 points). For Christmas I deserve a Nintendo Wii! Sincerely, Ordinary Goddess

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Wow, Gryffud, thanks for letting me donate that kidney. It made up for that whole Iraq thing. (I guess saving nuns helped too.) And I totally scored with the Wii! WooHoo!

Happy (Belated) Holidays to every one!

Christopher Hitchens is an ass.

I know this comes as no surprise to a number of y’all, but this time he has truly surpassed himself. Why? Because in the January 2007 Vanity Fair he deigns to explain to us, “Why Women Aren’t Funny.“

Granted, the name of the column is, “Provocation.” It is expected that what is written there is likely to raise more than a few hackles.

But this bilge? Please, girlfriend.

It’s not just that the premise from which Hitchens works is a faulty and patently disprovable one: in Hitchens’ world, while he admits there are many witty women, he goes on to imply that witty and funny are not related to one another. Which begs the question: why do both make people laugh?

It’s also that the “logic” which he uses is tenuous at best and laughable (hee?) at worst. It took me three tries to slog through the piece of crap he tries to pass off as insight into womens’ humor centers. I still don’t understand it. I think my brain automatically shuts off when presented with faulty “logic,” in an effort keep me from going all Nomad and self-destructing.

Hitchens can bite my shiny white ass.

(Hey, it ain’t exactly wit, but he don’t deserve my wit.)